Well, at the very least this film is aptly titled. God may forgive the makers of this movie, but I never will. Just when I was really starting to get behind Ryan Gosling as a legit actor, he pushes the bounds of my trust too far with this unpolished turd of a movie.
Only God Forgives is not only the unopposed contender for worst film in all movie history, but it is actually also in the running for most boring thing to watch on planet earth. In this contest the film is pitted against such classics as "Grass Grows", "Water Boils", "Water Freezes" and my favorite "Rock on Street II: The Rock Never Moves". While I was really pulling for the sequel of "Rock on Street" I know a winner when I see one, and Only God Forgives has got this one in the bag.
PAYING HOMAGE TO THE DAYS BEFORE "TALKIES"
Mr. Gosling woke up one brisk Tuesday morning (not sure how I know it was a Tuesday, just a feeling I suppose) and said,
You know, my movie "Drive" did surprisingly well, and I hardly had to talk. I wonder if I can make a movie without talking at all?"
Unfortunately for us, someone in Ryan's most trusted circles told him it would be a great idea. I don't think I've ever seen a movie with less dialogue, or one that needed more dialogue so badly. Don't get me wrong, I am a fan of the artsy, limited talking, highly acted and well shot films that are slowly creeping into mainstream film. But this was an attempt gone bad. Mainly because not only was there very little dialogue to push the story along, but the acting was poor as well.
The entire movie was a lot of standing, slow walking and a ton of Ryan Gosling making the same face over and over in various poses.
Look at that, I just built the story board for this entire film. It was even easier than I thought. Oh, and also be sure to note how his mouth isn't moving in any of these shots. Brilliant work Ryan, simply brilliant.
"CHARACTERS" IN LIEU OF PLOT? BOLD MOVE SIR
Thank God for Kristin Scott Thomas because without her I would've had absolutely no idea what this movie was even trying to be about. Kristin plays the drug-lord mother of our lead character Julian (played by Gosling). She comes to Bangkok to retrieve the body of her murdered son, Julian's older brother, and seek revenge. The plot of this film seemed hastily and poorly constructed. So much is left unsaid and it seems that the filmmakers tried harder to show characters cloaked in mystery than to present a story I would actually want to watch.
I must say their efforts were a great success. It just so happens that the characters were cloaked in so much mystery that the story remained one as well. I truly believe the producers wanted to see if they put two A-List celebrities in a movie with nothing else to offer, would people watch it? Well you fooled me you bastards!
Then there is our lead character Julian. When he isn't busy standing still giving "the look" to the camera, he is staring at his hands in slow motion. Seriously, this happens like 12 times. This to me implied that he was a secret bad-ass running from a past of world-ending proportions. Nothing could've have proven further from the truth. I honestly have no idea why Gosling was even in this movie, his character is completely worthless and meaningless to the "story". I've truly never seen anything like it.
Finally, bringing up the rear are our last two contestants. If everything I've told you so far wasn't enough of a reason to hate this movie, the producers throw these final two gems at us. First a prostitute that Gosling watches masturbate once and then takes to dinner with his mother, and the supposed bad guy.
Chang, the bad guy, was the most least imposing, non-threatening bad guy ever. I couldn't have been less impressed. Aside from two scenes where he does some awesome stuff with his little ninja shiv, he's just awkward. I'm really trying hard not to give away any spoilers with this one, so I'll just leave it at that.
LIKE AN ELEPHANT BIRTH, THIS IS A MUST WATCH
This is the worst thing I have ever seen. I want so desperately to tell you to never watch this movie, however I simply can't. It is so bad that there is no way you can ever understand how bad until you've seen it for yourself. This movie is available on Netflix Instant and is the only movie I've ever seen there that I have given a 1 star "Hated It" rating. While I give this movie a 1.1/10 on the newly named Ryan Gosling Scale, I would encourage you to see how bad it is for yourself. It's unlike anything you've ever witnessed, and words simply fall short.
So, if you have what it takes, check this one out and let us know your thoughts. You can always reach us by commenting below...or...
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